Today begins my first semester at Cancer College. Well, truthfully it began months ago when I discovered my lump, but for this, my first post on this blog, my semester starts today because my first session of chemo starts in a little over an hour from now, at 8am.
For now, I am likening my journey with breast cancer to going to college for a couple of reasons. One of the being that yesterday at 9am in a room on the CSUS campus, a kindly professor starting his Psychology of Death and Dying class called my name while taking roll. I did not answer because I was not in the classroom. Instead I was walking around campus visiting the various offices I needed to collect signatures for my semester withdrawal form.
I am 37, so being on a college campus I am "older than average" and yet have never really felt out of place on campus. I have been there for three semesters working towards the goal of finishing my undergrad in Psychology with intentions of going on to grad school to become an MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist). The spring semester that started yesterday was to be my last at CSUS, and it was indeed emotionally and mentally painful to walk around campus yesterday watching all those young and healthy bodies roaming all over the place.
One of my friends, who I had not yet told about my three week old breast cancer diagnosis, texted me at 12:03pm, three minutes after what would have been my second class started. "Where are you? Aren't you in this class with me?" I texted her back that I was withdrawing due to medical reasons and that I would let her know more of the details soon. I ran into another friend who gasped when I told her that I had breast cancer, "YOU?!!?" Yeah, I know. Tell it sister.
Another reason why I am looking at my cancer journey in semester/college terms is because I have been a student for years and semesters seem to be my default rhythm. My ACT chemotherapy is four months long. That is how long my semester would have been. I will be graduating from chemo when I should have been graduating from CSUS. BUT here I am right now with what I have got.
I woke up at 2:30am to my sweet dog whimpering outside of my door. He wanted in, and of course. I could not get back to sleep. I wanted to start this blog last week, but my days have been full. Just yesterday included getting my children to school, having my labs run, getting radioactive sugar injected into me (PET scan), withdrawing from my semester, having a lovely craniosacral session with a dear friend, and enjoying an exquisite night with my dear children. I had to begin this blog somewhere. And I am grieving the loss of my semester something fierce. So Cancer College...
Before I met the chemo doctor (last Friday 1/25/13) I wouldn't even entertain the thought of withdrawing. But then I FELT the chemo doctor's response after I told her that I was a full-time college student. It wasn't even what she said right after I told her, it was the way her breathing changed. It was so subtle, but in that moment I knew that it was in my highest good to put this last semester on hold. She was extremely diplomatic when I told her I had every intention of starting my semester. She said she has seen people do amazing things through chemo, but that I would be on a particularly strong regimen and that many patients go on disability during this type of chemotherapy. Ouch...fuck...double and triple ouch.
So Cancer College it is for now. I like to write and it is extremely helpful for me as a healing process to write my stuff out. I have intentions of shaping this blog up to have links to books and the various resources I have already begun to use (like mistletoe injections) and all that I find to help support me through this journey. I am approaching my cancer wholeheartedly, which also means that I will be treating it wholeheartedly as well. So yes, chemo, mastectomy, and radiation will all be happening, alongside a whole toolbox of complementary cancer care. My major for this semester is to become a layperson cancer expert with a focus on integrative cancer care. I am a serious student no matter what college I am attending. For now this is just the first step towards putting myself out there in the blogosphere.
Much love and light,
G
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